Monday, October 21, 2013

First Impressions Matter

How important is it to you to make a good first impression? Not necessarily so the other person thinks your really cool or whatever but wanting them to be given an accurate idea of the kind of person you really are. Well for me, it's REALLY important. For some reason it's something I can lose sleep over if I think someone might not have gotten the right impression from me. I know it's kind of silly, but there it is! I care an awful lot! I plan on elaborating the reasons for my concerns here plus what caused me to give those wrong impressions.

If you don't care to read an entire novel, here's the gist: I moved away from my entire support system which caused anxiety and depression early on during our time in Broken Arrow. To compound that issue, the birth control that I had implanted in my arm made me psychotic. Mix that all together and I basically had turned into a different person. I feel that may have affected my impression on my immediate next door neighbors. So there you go.

Now, before I go on, the imbalance I was experiencing has been properly handled. My kids understand (to their own capacity) that Mom wasn't feeling good and is now feeling much better. That's about all I'll dedicate to that aspect here.

We moved here in August. By September 11th I was back in NWA getting my Implanon removed because I was tired of feeling bipolar. Going from my normal, to literal rage at the drop of a hat was not ok. It wasn't ok for me to feel crazy and it was even more unacceptable for my kids to witness it. Had it removed. It did take several months to feel "normal" again but it did happen and things got better! But during those months I yelled a lot. It's embarrassing to admit, but I felt like the amount of voice raising that came from me was ridiculous. 

The best way I can describe it is feeling invisible. I felt like my kids couldn't here or see me, I felt like I was dropping heavy hints to my husband that I was struggling but no one saw or heard me. So I raised my voice to be heard. Still wasn't effective. 

Like I said, the family aspect of my struggle has been resolved but I wonder about my neighbors. I'm great friends with several of them! Judy and The Bakers are simply amazing and they make me never want to move! I feel like they know the real me. I feel like the people on either side of me are either weird or they dislike me. I wonder if they heard me shouting and carrying on and passed the judgement that I'm maybe a bad person when I was just mentally wrecked.

 The lady next to me brought us a Bath and Bodyworks gift basket when we moved in! We chatted often for a brief period of time and I even returned the favor, delivering treats to her from the Russell Stover Store. Then nothing... She'll say hi to my husband but not to me. That seriously messes with me. I want to go over there and say "Look, if you don't like me because I sounded mean while we were in the backyard or wherever, that's not who I am. I'm better now. Please like me!" 

Now I'm really not sure about the family on the other side of me. They have boys nearly identical in age to my boys but yet I NEVER see them out playing. Like ever. Front or backyard. They hardly even glance my way when coming and going from their cars. Why don't you like me, damn it?! It could be they are just "mean" or overly stressed out people because I do hear them shout often,  but who am I to judge that? I had the same issue although mine is now resolved. How do you approach seemingly unapproachable people? Did I appear unapproachable at one time? So many questions... Blah. I say I never want to move but at the same time, the prospect of moving this coming March has mass appeal to me for several reasons. One being I get to start over in a new neighborhood with a clean slate!

Now... The anxiety and depression took on a face of sadness more often than rage. Feeling alone with my boys who were trying to develop their personalities, test and establish boundaries with me and their siblings and just generally having regularly scheduled days where they just wanted to be INSANE made it hard for me to cope. I had no help. I still don't have a ton of help- not like the type of help I got when we lived in NWA. Nobody wants to feel like they are failing the most important people in the world. It sucks. I'm so glad we got things going back in a positive direction. Things feel MUCH better! I need "me time" and rest and I'm getting those breaks. Medicine helped kickstart that healing. Everyone is on board to be helpers and I'm so grateful for the teamwork. 

I say all of this to hopefully help someone else who is struggling. It is common but it can easily be corrected! If you're struggling, you need to be humble and proactive and ask for help.
 And I also want to say think twice before judging someone. I'm a good person and I love my kids. Hormonal imbalances made it appear differently at times. I am not all the way better but I'm much happier. I only recently started addressing the anxiety and depression. At least the rage left a while back! That was the worst. 

Well there ya go! Have a great day :-)

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